Journal Entry from Saturday, April 23rd, 2016 6 pm
“Just saw where Michael Brown was murdered. Definitely a lot running through my mind. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. I felt privileged, out of place, ignorant, and white. I was fearful and worried. I did not want these residents to think this was some tourist group. But will that be something in the future? I felt like I didn’t deserve to be seeing what I was seeing. Why do I have the right to be part of this movement, see a part of history and try to grasp the overwhelmingness of this situation. The street was so small. The space so open. Its so much more than the dead body. The amount of community and spark that surrounded it is incredible. The most surprising and difficult thing to experience was the car who honked at us and flicked us off after we crossed the street and waved a thank you. What were they thinking? I fear they though we were privileged white folk. How do we change that perception? Do I actively work to change how I am perceived? That would be more me leaving my own social category.
Blood. pooing from his head. Trailing down the street. An entire rectangle of street replaced. Face down. In broad daylight. It still doesn’t make sense to me – where the cop was, where the body was… I felt intrusive being at the scene but I wanted to be there, be there so badly. I also felt myself enter an investigative mindset. There will always be that part of me. What was overlooked? What other dots can I connect? What answers lie in the environment I am looking at? What details are to be noticed. Although the case is closed, I still feel like it doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t make sense. Because it doesn’t.